a horoscope…

August 28: Scorpio

Today is a 7. An opportunity to advance in your career is coming up soon. You’ll gain the inside track by finishing something you’ve already promised to do.

Now, if only I believed these things, I could finally feel a sense of peace that the new job I’ve been chasing is actually going to be mine! I was thinking about renting some “teach you to speak spanish” tapes from the library if they have any because I really do want to learn spanish. I used to know a fair amount of it, and now I have to think about how to conjugate verbs. I hate that I don’t have better knowledge retention.

And according to CNN, one hour of vigorous exercise can translate into 2 additional hours of life? I sure hope it’s 2 hours of the good quality kind of life and not the “steak in a can ingested through a tube” kind of quality of life.  Want to add a few hours to your life tonight? ./wink, ./wink

<3 silly roly poly love…

i feel good today. i feel silly and happy and in love. i want to dance around and do something fun. i want to be flirty and playful. i want to have sex with you. it was fun working on the computers with you yesterday, and i miss you. <3

high traffic.

there’s been unusually high traffic on my blog recently, so i decided to give you something to read.

in the restrooms at my office, there are floor to ceiling mirrors– and not the flattering kind you find in department stores with flattering angles and just a touch of a cavity in the right places to make your figure look better.  unfortunately, if you put a cow in front of this mirror, a cow is going to be reflected in it. that’s exactly what i thought of myself today. I was momentarily stunned at how fat i look, and then, moments later, as i was walking out of the restroom, a woman stopped to comment on how thin i’m getting.  i know that in comparison to the me of two years ago, i’m about half my size, but do i just have this inherently “bad self image” so that no matter what size i am, i see myself as a fat cow? 

OR– is this distate for the shape of my body reflective of my desire to be better? thinner, healthier, firmer, tighter, hotter, and the list goes on, ad nauseum.  i would like to think that feeling a sense of revulsion at my own reflection would motivate me to work harder on improving myself.

i want to work less, run more. if my employer said i could have an extra hour per day off, what would i do with it? i’d spend it with you, playing world of warcraft, working on school work, spending time with my dog, cleaning house, and, of course, running.

i really like working out with you for some reason. it was nice doing weights with you the other night.

lately, i’ve been feeling very cuddly. i enjoy the extra attention you’ve been giving me, and it makes me feel more inclined to be intimate. you said the extra attention was in an effort to make me feel happier, and i hope that my extra inclinations are making you happy, too. i know that all relationships have their ups and downs, but i want to be able to meet your needs just as i want my needs addressed. i want a stable and happy relationship– not the sort of relationship where i am not really sure where i stand or where i constantly feel uncentered. it made me feel really good when said that you don’t trash talk my personality. i think i make assumptions about what goes on when i’m not around, and i usually assume the worst. you deserve more credit than that.

paying for it…

i’m paying for my couple of days off school. i got most of my homework done over the weekend, so now i just have a few problems to finish up tonight. it’s hard for me though since i’ve never had accounting before.

i went out on saturday night with some friends. one of my friends kept passing gas the whole night, and i could not get away from the smell. aside from that, it was a good night. the first bar we went to was seedy and totally dead. there were old people there, and they were playing crappy music. then, we went to bar just up the road from my house called bad monkey. it was weird when we walked in. there was no music because they were having technical difficulties, but once the music got started… the party really started. there’s a popular song called i kissed a girl, and as soon as it came on, these three really hot girls got up on the bar and started dancing. two of the bartenders got up on the bar, too, and they were pouring shots right into guys’ mouths. it was crazy. i was trying to get the guys we were with to go up there, but they stood against the wall with tara and me. then, we went to another bar that was dirty and seedy and the bartender kept hitting on me when the guys were in the bathroom. then, we went back to my house where my roommates and one of my friends had in-depth conversations about how to get around the government’s rules on online gambling, relationships, marriage, sex, drinking stories, and somehow, it all came full circle back to relationships. i made eggs for the people that were still awake in the morning, and then, i went to bed while they finished off their all-nighter. i woke up a couple times feeling really, really cuddly. i just wanted to hold onto my lover, and that’s exactly what i did later in the day.

i had three beers on saturday night spread out over about 3 hours, and i was expecting my lover to make me pay for them by running me harder than ever. he had mercy on me, though, and we went for a long bike ride. it was still hard, but i think it was probably a lot easier on me than running would have been. we had our own talk about relationships, and it was a lot better than listening to my friends and roommates ramble all night long. LOL

so my ex-husband asked my current lover to call him. moving 4000 miles away wasn’t enough. at first, i felt angry and hurt and overwhelmed. now, i’m just mildly irritated. stupid boy. he had his chance, and he blew it. he had another chance, and he blew it, too. he had more chances than a woman should ever give a man, and he never gave a care for me until it was too late. then, i was suddenly worth it all.  lucky for me, i found someone that cares for me without so much drama. i’m a girl, so i bring a certain amount of drama to the relationship, and he’s a boy so he accidentally causes his fair share of drama… but he’s a good guy. i’m glad we’re together.

feeling good

dear magatha,

i finally switched my warlock over from rivendare to illidan. i ditched all the names that anyone from my other servers knows me by. it’s nice to start over and not have to worry that some old creep is spying on me. i really hope my little brother transfers his warlock over.

i also got an orb of deception on illidan! w00t! now i can buy my epic flying mount without having to beg, steal, and borrow gold from my friends (especially the one that feels like he’s nothing more than a bank to some people).

i took a couple of days off of school. i’m sure i’ll pay for it the rest of this week since i have to play catch up. that’s okay with me because i needed a break.

my lover and i went for a run yesterday. a really long run. there were big hills, little hills, and we sprinted and jogged and ran and walked.  it was hot, and i really didn’t have much to eat or drink before we ran. two miles later, i was bright red, thirsty, covered in sweat, out of breath, and in desperate need of a shower. today, i am sore in odd places, but still very pleased with the run. we’re going to do it again tomorrow.

it’s a lot harder than running on a treadmill, but my lover says it’s going to make me a better runner. he’s right, too. if i can run two miles, outside in the heat, up and down hills, then, i will be a better runner because i can’t do that now. i was amazed at how much better i ran. last year, he was always telling me that my run was at a walking pace. yesterday, though, he said, “this is a good running pace,” right away. w00t! on the way back, i was back to a walking pace, but in my defense, i was really at the end of my endurance. tomorrow, when we run, i’ll make sure i’ve had enough calories and carbs to run well. i’ll make sure i drink a lot of water before hand. when i get off work, i’m going to change into my running clothes and then go pick my sweetie up for our run. he’s going to have me 20 lbs. lighter in a month.

silly

dear magatha,

i must confide that i am a silly (sometimes stupid) girl.

thanks for understanding,

me

really.

i really don’t care what your sister thinks of me. there are a lot of things that i don’t like about who i used to be, and there are still a few things that i don’t like about me now. i don’t want your sister to end up like me. i want her to get her license, finish her degree, get a good job, and find a good man. i want her to be confident, happy, and empowered. i want good things for her, and i wouldn’t wish some of the things i’ve experienced on anyone.

i care what you think of me. i want you to see who i really am, and i want you to know and understand the conflicts i face that keep me from being the person i want to be. i want you to encourage me to be a better person. i want you to stand up to me when i rationalize doing the wrong the thing.

i have friends that do what they want to do and let everyone else do whatever they want to do. they smoke if they want to smoke. they let their friends smoke if their friends want to smoke. i don’t want that. i want friends that will step up and say, “don’t do that to yourself… or to me.”

i want friends that will ask me where i see myself in two years and have a real conversation with me about what i have to do to get there. i want their ideas and perspectives. in february 2010, i will have my accounting degree. what am i going to do with it?

as far as my friends go, you’re just about it. kate and i are becoming friends, and it’s nice. you’re my boyfriend, and my friend. starting over in chicago has been good and bad. it’s been hard. i thought i would come here and be surrounded by good people. i thought that your mom and sister would see that i came here to get a good start on the rest of my life. i thought they would forgive my past. at some point, i plan to rid myself of every indication of the bad things that used to fill my life. from every last stretch mark on my stomach to the many idiosyncrasies that make people think i’m backwards… they are all going to disappear with time. i will be a strong, confident, beautiful woman.

when i lived in alaska, while i was getting divorced, you were the one that pushed me when i needed to be pushed. you listened when i needed to vent and cry. you took me in all my struggles and insecurities and helped me achieve the difficult goals i told you about. you took my “if only” and “what if” impossibilities, and you gave me the support i needed to make them real.

aside from the severe pms days, i feel like our relationship is stable. i miss some of things that we used to do. i crave romance sometimes. i feel like we have plenty of good times ahead of us. how do you feel?

sex and pancake sunday

you’re going to come see me in a couple of hours for sex and pancakes… i’m excited in more ways than one. i just want to move my body, and i want to touch you.  <3

the problem with definitely…

dear magatha,

the problem with definitely is that it feels like maybe. the problem with maybe is it feels like no.

it feels good to feel this way

the way i feel right now feels good. i feel reasonably confident, and i have most of my obligations for the day either taken care of or planned out for later. i feel happy and cuddly. i desire you. i have lots of energy, and i don’t feel needy or demanding.